Saturday, May 18, 2013
Help! My daughter is suffering greatly from an unidentifiable affliction that seems to have appeared overnight. Her facial muscles are lax, as though she's had a stroke, although when looked at directly her eyes roll slowly to the back of her head. She seems to be having trouble breathing as she is constantly sucking in large gulps of air and releasing them while hissing and rocking her head back and forth. I'm afraid that her leg muscles have atrophied, as she cannot seem to lift her feet from the ground and must shuffle around from room to room. Her chain of thought is easily broken and a mumbled request often ends with a forced "nevermind". This alarming symptom may be a sign that she is frustrated at herself for her inability to follow through or even formulate a single coherent thought. And when she does excuse herself from social interaction, which always occurs about 1.25 minutes after attempting to re-integrate, she retreats to her room where I believe she is trying to be discreet about some involuntary muscle spasms that cause her to slam drawers and doors and force her to grunt like a pig rooting for truffles. If there are any other girls around the age of 14 that are suffering from these or similar undiagnosable afflictions please contact me. I have found an asylum where they can be housed until they are fit to be reintroduced into functioning society.